Finding Trust and Photographic Mistakes

trust
noun \ˈtrəst\
: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

Trust is a delicate thing. While trust can be strong, once damaged it regrows slowly and leaves the injured party wondering if it is ever a good idea to trust again. I’m currently in that spot. In meeting new people and learning things about them you run the risk of fantasy, or rather the person could be a big fat liar. It smarts—a lot when a person you trust hurts you. I’ve been burned badly before and it seems the full extent of that last burn has left me a bit less trusting and uneasy. I guess its like the game you play with a candle when you’re kids. you swipe your though the flame of a lit candle to see if it hurts. Do it fast enough and you’re fine; be slow and you get burned. Trusting is like playing that game of fire; you never quite know if you are going to get hurt.

On a much more happy note I’ve had my thesis body of work photographed. Or at least it had been photographed. Sadly from an error the photographs were deleted while a SD card was being formatted. As a result I’m reshooting my work over today and tomorrow (we would’ve reshot everything today, but I do not belong in front of the camera!). Luckily my photographer is the bomb dot com and is retaking the photos. I’m grateful for him to let me know ASAP and rectifying the situation almost immediately.

Alik working his magic with one of my pieces and my friend/model Maranda

I’m excited for this chapter of my life to be coming to a close. These past four years have been very hard and grueling. This school tested me immensely and I’ve grown from my experiences. Coming to art school also reaffirmed to myself, and finally convinced my family, that horses are my life’s passions and that I can and will pursue a life with them no matter the difficulty. I’m going to scoot home for a couple of days before my graduation and get some night rides in with Amanda. She’s taken a super cute mustang x quarter horse named Poe on trial. He’s still very green but if Amanda took the chance on him I’m sure he has potential.

Hiatus

It’s been awhile. A long while. I’m currently less than a month away from graduating and I’m incredibly excited about it. I also found out today that I’ve been accepted into the MAT program at MECA. That was very exciting to find out after my admissions counselor forgot what a worry wort that I am and scared the crap out of me by asking me to come in to talk to her. Unfortunately I ended up having to withdraw from the art history minor program. With everything that happened and my mental state I couldn’t pull it together and write the thesis. Eventually I want to write the paper on my own and surprise my professor. I have a genuine love of art history the timing just didn’t work out. I’ve been riding as much as possible and actually started taking lessons up in Maine. I found the barn in Maine from auditing a Boyd Martin clinic over Thanksgiving break.

Boyd Martin and I

Raven, the super cute OTTB (go figure) mare I ride in Maine

Winter break was wonderful and Pi and I managed to ride a five bounce line right towards the end of break. Sadly Pi did something stupid (playing the black stallion again) and reinjured his stifle. Amanda and I are just starting to bring him back and this past week he entered back into full flat work. I was naughty and popped him over a couple of small fences and he rewarded me with trotting to the jumps and being sane about the whole experience while still being eager to jump.

riding in the first blizzard of the season in December

Over spring break Bonnie and her husband went to visit Pi’s real mom in Utah so I took care of Seventh Heaven for the week they were away. Pi managed to be a giant ding-bat and ate a six inch long metal and plastic twist tie. the resulted in me getting up every two hours and making him get up to check his gut sounds (whole new levels of intimacy were reached…) and rectum for any signs of distress or perforation- luckily he’s fine and I slept well the following night.

Pi is lucky that he’s too cute to hate

My thesis is pulling together and in a week or two everything will be neatly tied up with a bow and ready to install. We received our installation zone assignments and I have just about no clue of how I’m going to fit my work onto the teeny tiny wall that I was given. Its a conundrum I’m hoping my professor will help me figure out, but in all seriousness, its going to take a minor miracle to make it work.

Pi and I this past Easter weekend

New Directions

The last couple of weeks have been rough. It feels as if it’s been a constant up and down with few highs and a lot of lows. I’ve been redirecting in my work and the transition hasn’t exactly helped everything else. We had critique last week and while it certainly wasn’t my worst critique it certainly also wasn’t in my top ten. I have a new plan in the works that is uncomfortable in terms of design but being uncomfortable is a good thing for growth in terms of art. I have to take risks in order to make work that’s exciting for myself and just in general.

Taking risks is a part of life. Even if it isn’t making a piece of jewelry taking risks is a part of life. Risks allow us to take chances and to grow as individuals. It terrifies me to take chances and risks. I’ll be very honest; I’m afraid of failing and disappointing everyone around me. It takes so much to create at the level that the people around me and I constantly measure myself to their levels of excellence. I know that I need to not compare myself to others and I need to only try to better myself, however it’s hard. Either way I’m pushing myself hard for this next piece, and hopefully it’ll pay off and I won’t fall on my face.

The week before last I went home and had toe surgery. No one told me that sports and multiple years of musicals would result in multiple ingrown toenails that needed multiple surgeries to correct them. I had one toe fixed two years ago and the other one I obviously just had fixed. Of course being the nut that I am and despite limping and being in pain I bandaged up my toe and went to see Pi.

I’m obviously a horse crazy nut who doesn’t put myself before a chance to ride

With everything that I feel and with the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on with school, and well- life, the stability that I feel the instant I step onto Seventh Heaven reassures every bit of me that wants to spend my life with horses in any way possible. Pirate and everything else at the farm represents a tangible sacredness of the bond and importance of the horse, the people involved in my life with the horses. The feeling that I have with this part of my life is a feeling of centered calm and collectedness. The way that Pi trusts me and has no judgement of me other than who I am in that moment is an instant confidence boost. I feel like I can’t quite describe everything I feel in those moments that are so precious to me, it’s simply cathartic.

Pi drying off a bit before our ride

Pi was of course a gem as per usual. He was super sweet in the field and we managed to get into the barn aisle without getting too wet in the rain. We did our usual warm up of walking and trotting and somehow I got it into my head that I needed to work on my independent seat and hands so we spent the majority of our time working in the trot and sitting trot. Pi tends to tense and stick his head up the air like a mule but after lots of circling, half halting and pushing him from behind he began to stretch and make nice contact on the bit. I even managed to stop feeling like a sack of potatoes and we spent a good amount of time with a very nice trot with no bounces. We had to share the indoor with some other people as it was pouring, and I don’t ride in the rain unless I have to because I’m a weenie, so I couldn’t work the long diagonal direction changes. I did manage to work some canter transitions. Pi was nice and moved up well and came down from the canter smoothly. He was a bit trippy at the beginning as the farrier was changed and he’s transitioning the shape of Pi’s feet to help him balance better. We moved together nicely and we were able to push deeply and balanced into the corners. After our ride he was super sweet and gobbled up the apples I brought him. I got to spend some time helping Bonnie with some barn chores which I also love to do. I hated having to leave him and having to go back to school. However, I’m so close to graduating and this degree is for me and not for anyone else so I owe it to myself to get the degree.

yes, we’re adorable; and yes, Pi did in fact switch the side his head was on because he’s a ham

Kindness

Kindness is something that comes from many places and is so important. Kindness tempers even the worst of things and gives something much more important gain a foothold- hope. I try to practice kindness in my life and to the people, animals and other things around me. I feel better being kind and feel more whole. With all of the negativity going on in the world I so desperately want to try and level out the overwhelming amount of sad and horrible things that happen. I’m not naive in thinking that I can wave a wand of happiness and solve everything, but if I can make someone’s day better than I can hope that they’ll pass along some of the same kindness I showed them. Practicing kindness also creates a strong web of people who care about you and practice kindness back and I’ve been experiencing this lately. So much kindness and compassion has been flowing my way from the people around me as I try to heal and move on all while tackling school and life, and quite frankly it amazes me. I feel so lucky and blessed to be the recipient of these wonderful people’s positivity and I can’t help but try to be positive in return. I’m aware of just how sappy this all sounds, however, I’m just incredibly grateful and it makes me want to keep trying my hardest to practice kindness.

This past weekend I went home to help Amanda with the last trials of the year. We went to Hitching Post Farm’s fall schooling trials and had a very rainy blast. The younger girls at Seventh Heaven are like the little sisters I always wanted but could never convince my younger brother, Collin, to be. I can’t help but smile and laugh around them and just enjoy the world from the view of a preteen again, albeit some very mature preteens. Watching these families and reveling in what some of the best parts of my childhood revolved around, and lets be honest all of my life still does, makes me want to give the same experience to the kids I might someday have. They’ll work for it like I did, but they’ll be such better people for having horses in their life. I mean what other group of preteens would you trust with thousands of dollars worth of equipment and 1200lb animals to get it together and trust them to pilot these large and very powerful animals? I wouldn’t trust a lot of the “normal” preteens but horse kids are definitely different. I digress; the weekend was great. Violet and Sofia competed in Junior Grasshopper and had a blast. Violet tied for third in the class on Packy after the three rounds. Sofia was just awesome in general. Mac was so full of beans for everyone (her mom and I had all we could do to get his bridle fully on him and we know what we’re doing) and Sofia handled it like a champ. Mac knocked them out of contention with a glorious buck during dressage but they put in a double clear for cross country and stadium.

Violet and Packy rocking cross country at the Hitching Post Farm trials

Kristin brought Moon along for the Junior Grasshopper as well. The two have become such a lovely pair and have made huge strides this summer as a team. Moon got a bit ancy during dressage and bolted out of the arena eliminating them, but Kristin went and finished her test and put a smile on. The great part about schooling trials is that they’re for schooling and they let you compete on even if you’ve been eliminated. I love that we live in such a supportive teaching and learning community where everyone encourages each other to grow. So Kristin despite being eliminated was allowed to continue for cross country and stadium. Kristin and Moon looked so natural on cross country! They jumped everything smoothly, calmly and cleanly and really showed everyone how it was done on the Grasshopper course. In stadium they went clear with a couple of distracted moments.

Lea made the big step up into the Open Novice class. In the world of eventing it scales from the bottom being grasshopper, then beginner novice, novice, training level, preliminary, and finally advanced which spills into the realms of CCI * events and is usually associated with professionals and the olympic level. The step from beginner novice into novice is an exciting one and Lea and Tie were more than ready to move up. They’ve worked incredibly hard since Lea got Tie and have made huge strides. Lea is only twelve and she rides with the poise of someone older and she’s definitely a better rider than I am. In dressage they did very well and got a stellar 29.1 (the scoring is like golf- low is good) for their test; someone else just got a 19 which is a wicked score. In cross country they had some minor slipping as it had been pouring all day and Tie doesn’t have studs on his shoes. Despite the terrain and conditions they went over the obstacles nicely. The jumps are also closer to three feet tall and a foot wide so it takes skill to navigate them.

 

heading down to dressage

Lea and Tie all decked out in blue!

one of the “smaller” jumps on the course

Despite the weather being rainy and rather dour all weekend I had a great time. I truly enjoy spending time with my barn family even if I’m chasing after girls on ponies to check their girths rather than riding myself. I did sneak in a couple of rides with Pi and it was exactly what I needed.

Pirate and Mac have definitely been in cahoots because Pi was just as full of beans as Mac was, although Pi has had nearly a month off from work so I expected the beans to be brimming from his bonnet. He was full of energy but nice and stretchy as we worked on lengthening his trot and really using his big butt for our propulsion. I also jumped him a bit on some small cross rails and he was stellar. The summer of working really hard to make him more comfortable and confident has begun to pay dividends, he went over the cross rails a bit eagerly but was calm enough to trot them which is huge for him.

someone is so fuzzy he gets soaked with sweat and takes forever to cool down

On Friday night I helped everyone pack and we shipped Packy and Mac up to Hitching Post so the next day would be much smoother as the girls had eight o’clock dressage times. While Amanda trailered them up and did prepr work with them I stayed back to keep an eye on Kristin and Lea and also so I could ride. Pi has his winter coat so in addition to him normally being a big sweater he has a fuzzy coat on now so he gets soaked in sweat even faster and takes even longer to cool down. We did some canter work on Friday and some small jumps. While he took forever and a day to cool out I managed to re-pull his mane which was looking a bit long. I know he’s back into swamp monster mode but when someone half leases him or I’m back for breaks it makes everything so much easier than letting it all go and having to start from scratch. Lea and Kristin are much more independent with their braiding and packing so I was able to putz more and help when needed much to Pirate’s dismay; he did manage to get quite a few apples out of the deal.

the “swamp monster”

Pi and I

Today I rode him one last time before driving back up to Portland and school. We successfully did a figure eight jumping pattern complete with lead changes (not flying leads but he actually was calm enough to trot in-between jumps and picked up the correct canter lead after the jumps) and having to listen. It was exciting and it makes me want to start scheming for next summer. Pirate also showed his meddle today as I asked him to do a lap around the hay field without any wingmen. For Pi it was another moment of hard work paying off and him trusting in me that I wouldn’t let him get eaten by anything scary, like a tree… what can I say, he’s still a big weeny. He got a bit antsy and we may or may not have blasted up the driveway at his speed and not mine but he stopped eventually and we didn’t run into anything and I stayed firmly put on his back. Afterwards we played a bit of chase on the ground as he cooled off in his cooler. It’s always important to me that we work on the ground and that he leads well and listens to me on the ground. A couple of apples even motivated Pi to trot briefly after me. I’m truly lucky to be able to have access to such a great place and to Pi, who despite being a giant hot mess is an amazing horse, just a little uncoordinated. He’s so much more than just a horse and is my partner in learning so much about horses and in learning to ride, I feel like I’ve improved so much this year and yet I’m still so far from knowing anything. I’m just lucky to be where I am even if Pirate is a 1200lb goober.

his eyes are always wonderfully expressive

oh and here’s a little gem of Pi returning to his swamp monster roots today after our ride:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ZlSmEBvjI

oh and happy twenty third wedding anniversary to my parents

 

 

Hurt

So often in life we’re faced with pain. In the grand scheme of things my pain is small, but right now it feels raw and visceral. The worst part of pain is when someone you care about is the person that causes the pain; it makes the pain ten times worse. I feel mellow dramatic in having all of these overwhelming feelings, however, it’s how I’m feeling. My heart got broken and sadly like all other wounds it takes time to heal. I’m desperately trying to find some sort of good feeling and to not regret letting someone in so close to me, sadly I’m having a very hard time with that. My studiomates, friends and family have been absolute gems for me and I’m trying to focus on all of the positive support from all of them. Focusing on how much they care for me as opposed to how much less or little a single person I care deeply about doesn’t is my strategy. I’m also trying to look forward to all of the positive things happening in my life. Basically I’m trying to be strong.

My midterm went well and for that I’m exceptionally glad. I received a lot of wonderful feedback and I’m starting to throw myself into my work. I have some ideas for a couple of far fetched things with the hair, but hey, that is what art school is for.

I also started the graduate school search. I’m not sure if I want to pursue another degree right after undergraduate, but I want choices for after graduation. I’m looking into a masters in art education, I love working with kids and I at least think I’m good at working with them. I mean I sort of have to be for my summer job and for substitute teaching. I don’t know if being an art teacher is exactly what I want, but I feel its an excellent card to have up my sleeve. Teaching would also play in well to wanting to have a horse and to eventing. School is done around three o’clock in the afternoon which at Seventh Heaven is the busy time with a lot of the lessons happening especially the more advanced ones.

I’m looking forward and focusing on going home this weekend. The younger girls at my barn are going to an event and I’ve been wrangled in to help out. I couldn’t really say no to anything horsey and a chance to slip in a ride or two with Pi. It will also be nice to be home with my family. It never ceases to amaze me at the healing energy that can come from loved ones.

Midterm Oh Me Oh My

Well folks its midterm here at school and for once I don’t feel like I’m floundering. Check back with me in twenty four hours to see if I feel the same way. However, I feel the most prepared for midterms in a very long time. I’ve been making work that it out of my comfort zone but still feels natural; and dare I even say it- exciting. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been excited with metals and it’s a nice thing to feel again. I’ve also submitted a piece for the MECA Collect Sale. It’s another new piece that I’m also fond of. On one hand I want it to sell, but on the other I want to get it back to keep as my own.

horsehair, sterling silver and freshwater pearls

I’ve just finalized my plans to go home for an event to help out with the girls. I’m super excited to get back in the barn even if I’m not the one competing. I’ll admit that I’ve been dying to try out the new tail braiding technique that I saw recently. It also helps that I’ll be able to get a ride or two in on Pi while I’m home. I can’t wait to see my giant goober. It’ll also be great to go and cheer on some of the girls who I’ve become very fond of during the summer.

It’s also turned to autumn in New England. Autumn is my favorite time of the year. The air is crisp and cool without freezing everything. Being a Vermonter the leaves turning colors also illicit a pure feeling of exhilarating joy. The forests look as if they’re ablaze and alive with colors. While Maine has quite a few trees Portland doesn’t have nearly enough for me. I have to go home for Halloween to have surgery on a toe (a souvenir of the musicals I did in High School and the character shoes that hurt my feet). It’ll be nice to go home for another weekend to actually see my family.

My Not so Black or Intact Stallion

I’ll admit that I’ve been away. The second week of school passed by uneventfully so I felt that I had nothing to write about.

The weekend before last I went home and participated in the North Country Hounds Hunter Pace with Amanda, Anna and Violet (all people mind you, not ponies). It was an absolute blast and Pirate was a gem! We rode over eleven miles in three hours through the heart of a valley. The foliage was just starting to turn and we had excellent weather for the ride. The farm it was based out of was like walking into my wildest dreams of what type of a farm I would someday love to have. Pirate was a super good boy once he quieted down a bit and Anna gave me a pep talk that included the reminder of the need to breathe and that this was in fact fun. Well he calmed down enough to enjoy himself and we even jumped about a third of the fences! I love jumping with Pirate; he’s forward and smart about the jump and even if I misjudge the distance he’s a star and is able to correct for me. I also enjoy that he’s not stupid and if I’m feeling a bit too nervous about a fence he’ll help me through it. Sometimes I wish that we were at the point to jump some of the more advanced lines or bigger stuff, however, I’m still learning as he’s relearning that we can jump in a relaxed way. Sometimes I think about toeing the line or pushing faster and then I remind myself that good foundations make houses that last a lifetime and that’s the way that strong and safe horses are built. Either way it was rewarding to go home and to be able to just go and do the hunter pace and to have the confidence that I had built his stamina to be able to handle the distance, albeit he was drenched in sweat, and that Pirate has become confident enough to even have led for some of the pace. I feel proud of the work I’ve done with him and it makes me feel like when the time comes (hopefully sooner rather than later!), I’ll be able to have a large presence in the training or working of the horse, although I’m still going to work very closely with a trainer. I’m still aware that I have so much to learn and that’s part of the reason why I love this sport and these amazing being so much.

a sweaty but happy Pi

some of the beautiful landscape we rode through

Being able to ride Pirate and to communicate so well with him led me to have my “black stallion” moment. Yes I’m talking about Walter Farley’s classic that inspires every little girl to go ride a horse, although I’d been in and around horses before I could read, and that they’d be able to tame the wild beast. Well let’s be honest here, Pirate is not a wild beast; in fact he’s rather lazy- enough to have garnered the title of “swamp monster” while I’m away and he’s out of work. When I first started riding him four years ago I was just recovering from a nasty spill, that I would later find out actually sprained my back and led to an entire summer of intensive physical therapy and has left me with chronic back pain. I had been rehabbing an abused horse nick named Bucky Chucky– ya folks I actually got on and rode a horse called that. He was super sweet on the ground but would, yes you guessed it, buck fiercely when being ridden if he was asked to canter or do too much. I impacted on my spine, luckily while wearing my impact vest, in the field and ended up in the E.R. with intense pain. After this my mother told me that if I was going to get back on a horse I needed to do it in a lesson setting with the trainer my friend was with. I agreed and started lessons at Seventh Heaven (before Amanda was there) and ultimately with Pirate. We were both hot messes and needed a lot of work, Pi was super stiff and needed groundwork; while I needed to heal and be in a safe place to learn. Over these past four years he and I have formed a bond and have learned how to communicate well enough that I can feel his communications. This summer cemented our bond thoroughly and we both improved immensely, although we still are hot messes- just not as big. Going on the Hunter Pace was that ah ha, black stallion moment where all of the hard work, miscommunications, trepidations, poop (he poops a lot in the aisleway and very spitefully) and determination resulted in a glorious day of riding with him and some of my friends. Those moments are what I live for and certainly what I aim for in working with horses. Yes there was a ribbon to be won, no we didn’t even get close to the ribbon, but who cares. If I was in this sport for the ribbons I would’ve quit ages ago.

This past weekend the MECA Metalsmithing and Jewelry Design program went to NYC. We stopped at Ornamentum Gallery on the way down and one of the owners Stefan took some time from his very busy day to spend some time talking with us and show us some of the work. We then travelled down to the city and the next day had a workshop with Charon Kransen. His words and his collection were invaluable and eye opening. I was able to handle and even put on a Jacqueline Ryan brooch, and it just happened to be my favorite by her!

can you tell how excited I was?

I also tried on another one of her brooches that I also like. It was amazing to be able to handle the work and even put it on.

After an intense and five hour workshop/visit with Charon we took a break to eat some really good food and went to the Met. I’ll admit that I’m a museum whore; absolutely one hundred percent cannot get enough time in museums. I’m the person who could live in a museum for a month and still not be done looking at all of the things. Poor Mitch has no clue what’s coming his way if we go to the museum together….. his Marine endurance and survival training might just be put to the test. I just love looking at the objects that shape our world, and more importantly I want to know why. I want to know why a mosaic has that crack I want to know why the etruscan gold has a repeating granulation pattern. Basically I’m the nosiest nelly ever when it concerns art history.

 

the Met was also beautiful to look at in the dark with it’s architecture

The next day we went to MAD (Museum of Art and Design) to view the biennial and to look at their permanent collections. I wasn’t really into the biennial, however, the permanent jewelry collection had some gems.

Harlan Butt

 

Hiroshi Suzuki

 

John Prip

 

Robert Ebendorf

 

John Paul Miller

and another one of my idols: Mary Lee Hu

After the MAD we went to Brooklyn Metalworks and I had an informative conversation about technical mumbo jumbo in regards to studio set up. I managed to see a friend from high school that I hadn’t seen in years. We don’t keep in touch but it feels like we never missed a beat everytime we get together. I managed to take the subway, which was a big deal because it just doesn’t exist in Vermont and I’d never been to New York, by myself after taking it a couple of times with some studiomates. I’ll admit that while New York is cool I wouldn’t want to live their and Florence was actually much more intense in terms of dealing with people and navigating. Overall I’m really glad that I went to New York and I had a really good time.

School School School

The first week of school has happened and it’s finally hitting that I’m a senior. I’ve begun studio work already and am working with a couple of designs. I don’t like to post from my sketchbook as it’s my idea vault and until something comes to fruition that vault is sealed to the internet. I received 1 1/2 pounds of horse hair from the supplier I use. I’m excited because I took the step and ordered white hair. It’s a big step because of the financial investment due to the expense of the white hair. I’ve already begun using some and I’m happy to report that it’s just a lovely as I’d hoped it would be. My other classes seem to be okay and I’m hoping I can work smartly enough to avoid any late nights. I’ve already written three papers and given a presentation if that gives any indication of how the year will be paced.

my own special kind of stupid/torture is a braid using forty hairs

a close up of some previous work using horse hair and silk (don’t worry that braid had seventy hairs not forty)

I did get a special visitor in Portland. Mitch the super boyfriend came up and visited for a weekend which was stupendous to have time just to ourselves with no set timeline. He also showed off his super powers again by coming home to help me with Sassy. I’m not sure if he knows just how kind and truly wonderful that he is, however, I am fully aware and aware of how lucky I am to have him in my life. We even celebrated two months together this past week.

If you’re interested in seeing what I’m doing in a more established way of me sharing feel free to check out my instagram.

Letting Sassy Go

I’ve been avoiding posting for a while and it’s not from lack of trying to write. When something is written and then “published” there is a finite air about it and doing so means that I cement in a major change and loss rather permanently. Yes there has been a lot of really happy things in my life, and it compounds how a single moment or event can overshadow such a larger span of time and happenings. I’ll admit that in avoiding facing and acknowledging this moment I’ve instead pushed into being present in the moment instead of being more of at the edge and documenting everything. The moment which I’ve even been dancing around writing down and out is that I have to let my Sassy cat go. She’s had fourteen wonderful years with me starting as a kitten from a Veteran whose cat had kittens while he was in the hospital. The reality of losing her is so very hard for me. She is in pain and her hind end doesn’t work well anymore. Earlier this summer we had a scare with her and I had thought that she’d rebounded fully. In reality her health went downhill very fast and it is neither kind or fair (I despise that word) to keep her here. As I was getting ready to leave for Portland I had my traditional goodbye snuggle and she gave me “the look”. Her eyes told me that what I’d so desperately been trying to avoid and not acknowledge had come. She’s ready to go, and I’m having to let go of one of the most precious things in my life; something that has been a constant for fourteen years will no longer be a constant.

I feel incredibly cruel that I have an ultimate say over whether or not another living being lives or in this case dies. Considering that Sassy has been such a wonderfully independent and caring cat over the years it’s hard to make this decision for her. I’m also ridden with guilt that I’m in Portland while she unknowingly lives out her final days. With school resuming and commitments I made before she went downhill I’m unable to go home until Friday and won’t have much time to grieve before going back to school and my responsibilities. I love her and everything about her and to say goodbye like this is very hard. Unfortunately we’re pushing it for me to even be home to let her go.

I won’t say that I’m putting her down. It diminishes her dignity and any sort of sentient being to say that you’ll be “putting them down”. It sounds degrading and as if she isn’t worth as much as something or someone else. The word euthanasia is also very strong to say. To euthanize something you are literally terminating their life. Those two phrases don’t accurately capture the pain I feel about this, or the guilt. The words don’t express the gaping hole I feel opening in my chest. I’m aware that Sassy is a cat, however, she is family. Returning home from school at the end of each semester she would always spend the first week I was home purring me to sleep to make sure I was asleep because I wouldn’t be able to coming off of the stressful school environment.

So at 10:45 am on September 6th I’ll walk into the veterinary clinic to let her mind go. Then I’ll bring her body home and lay it to rest in a sunny spot she enjoyed and plant flowers over it.

Drifting and Reeling

Sometimes I like to feel that I’ve managed to master life or at least get it down pretty well. Of course after a small amount of time feeling that way life decides to let me know that I have in fact not mastered life and sends me reeling. It can happen in various ways, either in the studio or at work and currently with my personal life. I had thought that I had this whole social life thing down, and quite frankly even having one while working upwards of fifty hours a week is an accomplishment in my mind. Apparently I was wrong as all of a sudden it seems that while I’m getting closer to Mitch some of my closest friends and I are drifting. The worst part is that it smarts sorely watching it happen and being too plain stubborn to fix it. Social Media then puts salt in the wound as I see pictures that I would normally be in online without my smiling mug. I truly care for these people and I don’t like drifting away from them, however, I’m not entirely to blame. A relationship, any relationship, is a two way street and takes work from both ends to be healthy and properly functioning. Perhaps we need a mediator as we both happen to be incredibly stubborn and strong people, or perhaps we just need to take a break. I’m not sure of what to do and right now it just hurts quite a bit to think or deal with it- and that tells me I have a problem on my hands.

On the horse front I’m afraid that between my back acting up, poor weather and just sheer exhaustion I’ve only made it to the barn a couple of times this week. I feel out of sorts not riding as frequently and that leads to dreading the school year in which I’ll be lucky to even see any quadruped let alone ride. The rides I did get in were half good. The first ride went well and we even jumped a little bit. The second ride I only put in about a half hour on Pi. I felt off and he felt off and somehow we couldn’t steer so I made the executive decision to end the ride before something poor resulted from it. I’m going to ride more this next week (just not today because the weather is absolutely foul) and even hopefully go on a trail ride this next week with some girls from the barn.

On a studio note (yes I finally am having studio stuff happen again!) I’ve decided to step up and join the MECA art sale. It benefits scholarships at my school and I’ll actually be selling work which is exciting, or at least I’ll be trying to sell work. The sale should take place in October so I should have my act together at least a little bit.

On a life note I’m learning how lacrosse works and to throw the ball around. Mitch and his family are pretty phenomenal to watch and the sport seems fascinating. I got to help them put a new net in the goal. I was happily anal retentive with making it look perfect and so Mitch’s Dad and I were two-peas-in-a-pod matching the net and counting out spaces between zip ties.

boom! perfection

Camp has been quite the week. We went to Lake Sunapee and had an absolute blast. I’m enjoying my staff and all of the wonderful skills they bring to the camp. Apparently they feel comfortable enough with me to tell me to take a deep breath when I get  “that look on my face”. We ended with an awesome impromptu field day where in which I played super hero to one of my campers, who happens to be a type 1 diabetic, and replaced their port for their pump. The kid also happens to be just about one of the coolest kiddos and I love spending time with them. From spending time with them and another camper who also happens to have a pump I’ve learned just how amazing the pumps are. The insulin pumps gives these kids such a range of freedom and control over their life and I find it fantastic. I also had a couple of little friends over the past couple of days. A kid brought some action figures to camp and so they had to spend the past few days with me as we have a no toy policy at camp. He was worried about them so I promised that they would have fun at camp too and that I’d take pictures as evidence.

Han Solo, Chewbacca and C3PO and I had quite the adventure

and yes the staff shirts are really really bright